Undeserved Love

Today Jon and I have been married for four years. In those four years God has blessed us with two awesome boys Gavin and Ethan including a handful of trials to fortify our union. 

I will be the first to admit that marriage is the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life and I'm grateful to have a partner in Jon to continually anchor me to persevere. I hate to admit this but when things have gotten tough in life I'm one to "Peace Out" emotionally and stuff all those emotions. In marriage all that stuffing has caused a surge of lava to rupture many a times. Can you picture it? It's not a very pretty site when that happens in a relationship. 

I'm learning some tough lessons - I say tough because it is relative to my own life experiences from past and present circumstances. One of those hard lessons is being open and honest with my heart. I know I'm not as open as I would like because trusting others doesn't come easy. One of the greatest lessons I've learned in marriage that I fail in application is found in this Scripture, "But God demonstrates his own love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8.

I'm learning to treat Jon like God treats me. This is not an easy task. While I was a sinner God sent his Son Jesus in my place to suffer a wrath I deserved instead of his sinless innocent son. It is so easy for me to receive God's mercy and grace but the challenge comes in when I have to love despite what Jon does or doesn't do for me. My heart gets hurt and all I want to do is display Linda's frustrations instead of showing love despite his shortcomings.

If I could alter the Scripture to read what I need to be like in my marriage it would sound like this, "But Linda demonstrates her love toward her husband, in that while he sins against her, Linda dies to wanting to display her wrath on him." When I think of God's love it is his grace that was displayed on the cross of Jesus for a sinner like me. Grace was God's way of ushering in a sinful wretch like me. I didn't do anything to earn it. My faith in his work called me to obey his commandments. 

In the same way, I am called to sacrificially love my husband not because all the great things he does for me but because of all the unearned love God has freely given me through his son Jesus.

You Are Beautiful!

Today I…

Wake up

Feed the dogs

Feed my son

Get my son ready for grandmas

Take out Tuesday’s recycling

Go back in to muzzle the dogs

On my 30 second drive to drop my son off at my moms I see her parked in my neighborhood. I transfer my son from my car seat to hers.  As my son see’s grandma he greets her with a big smile and says, “tita” with excitement which is short for abuelita in Spanish which means grandma. His enthusiasm fills me up with joy!

My mom says to me, “Te queda bien el rojo” which means red looks good on you in Spanish. I thank her and jump in my car to drive to work.  As I sit there driving away my thought struggles begin. I’m struggling between my own defeating thoughts and reality.

I attempt to pray but fail.

I make a U-turn to get onto route 66. I turn on the radio to WGTS 91.9 FM and the first song that comes on is by Mercy Me - Beautiful.

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful
And praying that you have the heart to fight

Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight

For all the lies you've held inside so long

And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are made for so much more than all of this

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath

Long before the world began

Of all the wonders He possessed

There was one more precious

Of all the earth and skies above

You're the one He madly loves

Enough to die

You're beautiful

You're beautiful

In His eyes

I tear up.

God heard my thoughts and the longings of my heart. I thought how great to hear those words from the one you have giving your heart to.

More tears rolled down my face.

I thanked my heavenly father for always being there when I need him the most. I asked him for strength and to help me connect with others to offer them hope today. I asked him to help me remember the beauty of the cross and then remembered this verse in Romans 5:6, “While we were still powerless Christ died for the ungodly.”

His kindness leads us to change our ways for his ways. His kindness pursued us to death literally so that we can have direct access to God the father. Now that is beautiful love!

Another verse pops to mind, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them, they would outnumber the grains of sand – when I awake, I am still with you.” Psalms 139: 13-18.

I go to my Holy Bible App and the Scripture of the day was in Romans 8:1-2, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.”

God at just the right time threw a blanket over my heart and mind with his thoughts and it calmed me down.  He gave me perspective, he calmed my anxieties and shielded me from my own defeating thoughts. He gently pursued my heart with a song and suddenly filled my mind with the nutrients of his words. Reminding me that this new life of hope and change is all possible because of Jesus' sacrifice for me.

After a couple of hours sitting at my desk a good friend and co-worker walks over and shares with me what she’s been meditating on for the last few days in Job 38. As she leaves I turn to Job 38 and the title of the chapter is “The Lord Speaks”. How true and fitting! I read all 41 verses and say quietly, “Praise YOU Lord for your ways are higher than mine and your plans are better than mine. You take great concern for things that are beyond my control and yet you are there taking care of the worlds needs. I dare not ever question what you are doing.”

I thought to myself – Lord, you will take care of me too just like you did in my mother’s womb and just like you’re taking care of my child in my womb.

With a sigh of relief I say to Him, “I am ready, Lord! Who will we serve today? Who will we listen to? Who will we encourage? Who will we touch with your words of comfort?”

Captain, steer this ship. I am now ready!

God reminded me of how he captivates the hearts of his children despite how we view ourselves during difficult situations. We are always beautiful in our father's eyes.

Am I Becoming a Prodigal?

Ever since I found out I was pregnant with my second child in early March I have entered into "The Dungeon of Despair" a place where all your hope it taken away and feels like there is no way out. I have never experienced this before. In the past, I have had many moments of feeling depressed but unlike this time. It is almost the end of April and my heart is still filled with daily sadness, discouragement and I want to be left alone. 

My only desire is to play with my son and be at home with my dogs.

I have consecutively missed my Tuesday night community bible group for the last six weeks and I have not been to church in the last three Sunday's. Yes! I even missed Easter Sunday service and I am not proud of it.

I am struggling to...

• sleep at night
• pray
• stay grateful
• think positively about my situations
• read the Words that promise hope and life
• be gentle 
• stay connected with others
• have a dry eye
• give 
• love unconditionally
• be living the way God designed me to live
• believe anyone cares
• stay hopeful
• stay connected to the person who fills me up with purpose and joy
• say nice things to my husband
• clean my home
• not question God about current or past detailed events in my life

The Return of the Prodigal Son - Rembrandt

I am heading into dangerous territory by isolating myself. Countless times I have asked God to come down to hold me and he has not showed up but he has sent numerous souls to console me. At times I feel so frustrated with my faith and numerous questions flood my mind. But at the same time I find comfort in solely relying on my maker. I know deep inside my soul he is at work during this dark hour.

During this difficult emotional time I am holding onto a mustard seed of faith. I have asked myself, "Am I becoming a prodigal?" The thought of that scares me because I know the potential guilt associated with wandering too far and those consuming thoughts that so easily entangle falsehood from the reality of being set free in Jesus. I am fully aware of those nagging negative thoughts that wage war against my heart and mind and the truth of the gospel of Christ. I know how easily they can cloud my mind from the fact of living a free life of guilt and shame. I am not ready to connect with most people just yet but

I am praying...

• to be set free from this depression 
• to be given the strength to make it through each day; especially at work
• to be given the desire to read his Words and stay connected to his people
• to be healed from past pain that keeps tugging at my heart
• to remember certain scenarios from my youth without all the pain still pressing on my heart
• to be filled with mercy and grace
• to release anyone including myself from any surviving unforgiveness
• for my marriage to continue to be fortified through these trials
• for my family to come to a saving faith as well as specific co-workers
• for the family of believers to be strengthen by the love of Christ

I am holding onto Scriptures like...

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he has brought justice through to victory."

and

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

During this weak state I have never been so encouraged by my husband. He has texted me Scriptures a couple times this week, telling me he is praying for me and just being the tender warrior that he is that I push away for fear of being vulnerable with my heart.

I sometimes wonder if I needed to be in this place to experience unmerited favor, agape love and to know my Rescuer and others really care about me. 

I am not where I think I should be but I am holding onto hope despite my emotions that I will become stronger during this dry time.

My heavenly father's gentle and powerful hand is guiding me. His grace is holding me together to restore and to continue to make me His masterpiece for His purposes.

Getting to Know Me

I am an advocate for hurting souls.

I am a perpetual sinner in need of daily grace!

I am the daughter of the King.

I am an imperfect soul who can love other imperfect souls because of the mercy shown to me.

I am a proponent of truth.

 I am 100% convinced that unmerited favor can only be discovered by knowing the living God through a life in his son Jesus Christ.

I am an over thinker and analyzer. How do I stop?

I am learning that crying with others is healing.

I am fascinated by photography.

I am continually learning that grace is something we can't earn & mercy is something we don't deserve. 

I am blessed to be married to a gorgeous man with a beautiful heart who has committed to be my lifelong partner to forever trek life's challenges despite how hard it can be at times.

I am loved by my heavenly father!

I am most vulnerable in prayer and feel the safest.

I am doubtful at times.

Me and the love of my life.

I am grateful for people who pour into me.

I am random.

I am learning that pain unifies and calls for rescuing.

I am able to admit when I am wrong.

I am very aware that the hardest thing I have ever attempted is marriage. 

I am lost without the direction of the Holy Spirit and his Holy words.

I am longing to build long lasting genuine authentic friendships that are consistent.

I am most relaxed when laughing hard...I love it :)

I am on my way to healing from pain that's left me bruised for way too long and crippling me to freely be me.

I am one who questions a lot.

I am a believer that love starts with a decision to act and then the emotions follow.

I am knowledgeable that my heart can deceive me at times and that perceptions are not reality.

I am a pursuer of the underdog and love to make them feel special.

I am most passionate about my relationship with God and learning how to best love others.

I am learning from my son how to be goofy & silly.

This is a product of spending time with my son. I'm usually not this silly. 

My 1st son at 7 months.

Always with a warm smile at 22 months.

I am a proud mom of a two year old son who has filled me with inexpressible joy.

I am a die hard fan of Great American Restaurants, Pho Deluxe & Super Chicken.

I am opinionated but not always right.

I am a connector.

I am redeemed by the blood of Jesus.

I am beyond grateful for my husband, son, mother, father, brother, beautiful niece and mother-in-law God has given me.

My family my heartbeat!

I am expecting my second child.

I am a proud Peruvian who loves it's rich culture and craves their infused cuisine.

I am intrigued by all people.

I am fascinated by dancing. I know most of my friend's don't believe this.

I am a soul who finds delight in learning new things.

I am an organic farmer who daily tries to plant and water souls with God's truth.

I am an avid listener but if you give me your ears I can talk.

I am loyal and faithful.

I am forever set free by the work of Jesus on the cross.

I am literal thinker.

I am a soul who deeply enjoys serving people.

I am a perfectionist. I was nicknamed Ms. Perfection and had that on my license plate.

I am a flawed human.

I am tough and often told I'm intense but those who truly know me know that I am a softy at heart.

I am known by the Almighty God. He is my highest connection.

I am learning to take risks with my heart.

I am a recovering sinner living in the reality that the only thing that matters in life is my intimacy with my God and nothing and no one should ever replace that.

A little more about me.....

I was born an extrovert but due to unexpected continual circumstances in my youth made me a terrified introvert. It's only in the past few years that my true extrovert nature is being polished thanks to dedicated mentors and my husband who are allowing me to process deep rooted pain to bring healing to a bruised heart. Because of the fruit of their labor I am now able to express myself uncensored, unashamed most of the time while feeling free during the healing process.

Me and my older brother in Lima, Peru in 1980.

I was born in Lima, Peru but I have been living in Virginia since I was two years old. My parents immigrated to the US in the early 80's with my brother and I. I am married to a tender warrior who brings out a softer side in me. My two year old son has stolen my heart. He is my little big man and my heart rejoices every minute I spend with him. He is all smiles and has a way of always wrapping his warmth around my heart. I am eager to meet my second child who will be joining us in late October. My pregnancies tend to be high risk so I'm a bit nervous but hopeful. I have two toy dogs that I adore but they have taken a back seat since my son was born.

My little Lady who is my adorable & feisty Miniature Pincher.

My Latte Patate. She left one day after 11 years never to see her again. My heart still misses you my little warrior. 

My honey and Gianina my Italian Greyhound who is my elegant princess.

I love my God and his holy words. My whole identity is found in his son Jesus Christ. He is my source of life, love and strength. He is my all. I am nothing without him. I was born to wear Jesus on my sleeve but not in a condemning or self-righteous way. I model my heart and mindset by his teachings and how he lived. Even though I daily fall short of his glory he covers me with his mercy and it strengthens me to get back up and continue with life. He is my #1 teacher in life!

I love meeting new people. I don't size people up by the color of their skin, the title they carry at work, economic status, success, age, beauty, what degree they earned or what university they attended or by the clothes they wear or by the people they associate with or by their marital status. I love to engage anyone despite their background and ethnicity. I love serving others, listening to their life stories and learning from them.  If you have blood flowing through your veins I would be honored to meet you.

I enjoy photography. I am a food critic by nature and love eating out. I love love love reading and listening to all types of music. I've recently been addicted to Keith Green and Lindsey Stirling. Lindsey Stirling is inspiring me to pick up my violin again. We'll see what happens with that.

By no means am I a writer but in my writings I will express how Jesus beautifies an imperfect soul to make it a wellspring of life for his purposes. He is the master restorer of the human heart and has the power to make us whole. I will write about my beautiful God, personal heart struggles, fun stories, I will at times go down memory lane to share lessons I've learned when encountering defeat but I will also share about the joys in my life and how freeing it is to be honest about my pain and struggles. 

My heart's desire is to offer hope and inspire courage in your heart to always persevere even when life's circumstances are drowning you. Keep fighting, keep discovering, keep loving, keep honesty alive and keep believing in something greater than yourself and you will find true fulfillment.

I dedicate my words to my children, my niece and any curious reader like myself who enjoys reading blogs.