Am I Becoming a Prodigal?

Ever since I found out I was pregnant with my second child in early March I have entered into "The Dungeon of Despair" a place where all your hope it taken away and feels like there is no way out. I have never experienced this before. In the past, I have had many moments of feeling depressed but unlike this time. It is almost the end of April and my heart is still filled with daily sadness, discouragement and I want to be left alone. 

My only desire is to play with my son and be at home with my dogs.

I have consecutively missed my Tuesday night community bible group for the last six weeks and I have not been to church in the last three Sunday's. Yes! I even missed Easter Sunday service and I am not proud of it.

I am struggling to...

• sleep at night
• pray
• stay grateful
• think positively about my situations
• read the Words that promise hope and life
• be gentle 
• stay connected with others
• have a dry eye
• give 
• love unconditionally
• be living the way God designed me to live
• believe anyone cares
• stay hopeful
• stay connected to the person who fills me up with purpose and joy
• say nice things to my husband
• clean my home
• not question God about current or past detailed events in my life

The Return of the Prodigal Son - Rembrandt

I am heading into dangerous territory by isolating myself. Countless times I have asked God to come down to hold me and he has not showed up but he has sent numerous souls to console me. At times I feel so frustrated with my faith and numerous questions flood my mind. But at the same time I find comfort in solely relying on my maker. I know deep inside my soul he is at work during this dark hour.

During this difficult emotional time I am holding onto a mustard seed of faith. I have asked myself, "Am I becoming a prodigal?" The thought of that scares me because I know the potential guilt associated with wandering too far and those consuming thoughts that so easily entangle falsehood from the reality of being set free in Jesus. I am fully aware of those nagging negative thoughts that wage war against my heart and mind and the truth of the gospel of Christ. I know how easily they can cloud my mind from the fact of living a free life of guilt and shame. I am not ready to connect with most people just yet but

I am praying...

• to be set free from this depression 
• to be given the strength to make it through each day; especially at work
• to be given the desire to read his Words and stay connected to his people
• to be healed from past pain that keeps tugging at my heart
• to remember certain scenarios from my youth without all the pain still pressing on my heart
• to be filled with mercy and grace
• to release anyone including myself from any surviving unforgiveness
• for my marriage to continue to be fortified through these trials
• for my family to come to a saving faith as well as specific co-workers
• for the family of believers to be strengthen by the love of Christ

I am holding onto Scriptures like...

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out, till he has brought justice through to victory."

and

"Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

During this weak state I have never been so encouraged by my husband. He has texted me Scriptures a couple times this week, telling me he is praying for me and just being the tender warrior that he is that I push away for fear of being vulnerable with my heart.

I sometimes wonder if I needed to be in this place to experience unmerited favor, agape love and to know my Rescuer and others really care about me. 

I am not where I think I should be but I am holding onto hope despite my emotions that I will become stronger during this dry time.

My heavenly father's gentle and powerful hand is guiding me. His grace is holding me together to restore and to continue to make me His masterpiece for His purposes.